I have no idea why I felt compelled to write all this... maybe due to my own struggles currently. I found myself thinking of a dear, dear friend that I miss dearly. I hope that by sharing this I can give you all a glimpse into my heart tonight. I cannot sleep and therefor, I'm not getting a thing done... I pray that if anyone else out there is having a difficult moment they can read this and understand something... I don't even know if I understand.
In times we are faced with the most difficult trials. Trials, that at times try to break your spirit and test your soul. You realize that all you have is what lies before you and happiness seems like an unattainable goal. There are times where darkness clouds your every thought and everything good seems like it's not going to last. It makes you feel as if you have failed to acheive the very goals and standards that you have once set upon yourself, disappointing all those that know you. You feel as if you have disgraced those who have come to see you as an example. Sometimes you wish you didn't have to be seen. But sometimes you feel like you can bare it. We all struggle in our lives and no one need be selfish and feel like their struggles are worse than those of others. We all have our weaknesses and our stresses are individually delt with. Tonight I've been reflecting on my past. I know that there have been some downfalls and shortcomings recently and I feel as though I have let some down. I don't know what I can do to repair what's been done. I can try to plead for the answers. Tonight I'm remembering a dear friend whom I wish I could have done more for. I don't know why she's in my head tonight but she is. I regret not taking more initiave to try to be closer to her. I was very cordial don't get me wrong, but I feel as though my unwillingness to go that extra step was detremental to her. I know it still haunts me. Especially on a night like this. I don't know why this incident is in the forefront of my mind but it is... and it is bothering me tonight. I can't sleep. I haven't felt well all day and I just keep thinking because my mind can't stop racing. Sleep eludes the conciousness of my mind. I don't feel as if a single moment of rest would find it's way to me on a night like this.
Tonight I remember a dear friend Anna. She had a beautiful spirit that was troubled with a darkness I didn't see. I feel as if I let her down, letting her have space and feel as if I made her feel sad and alone. I feel that my dear friend who left us so long ago could have been someone I could talk to on a night like this. I imagine she had many nights unable to sleep unalbe to rest, unable to know what was in store each day. What struggles she must have faced. What pain went on in her mind. I just think of how hard her struggles seemed, and wish I was there to ease her pain and soothe her aches. Her heart ached for something she could not find solace. I know her smile brought happienss to those around her, which was rarely seen. I look back and think of the signs I saw in her. The hesitation in her eyes that spelled darkness and loneliness. I think of something I recently heard 'you may feel alone, but you're never truly alone' in hearing and reciting that, I realize how true it is... While you may feel like you are alone in the struggles and the pain isn't something that can be understood. There is someone who will and always understands what you are feeling because he has felt it too. Our brother Jesus Christ has felt all or our pain, of our suffering, of our weakness. I know he's there to listen and relay our heart's desires. I know that there are not many things we can wish for in this life, that will affect us in our eternal glory. But an understaning of our importance and of the love our Heavenly Father has for us is above all. I know that my Father lives and I know his son, our brother, Jesus Christ lives. They are constantly by our sides, and in our darkest hours we can call upon them to pour the spirit of the Lord upon us to save us from the wretched and evil that seeks to disrrupt our comfort. Seeks to destroy our spirits, and feast upon the weakness of our souls.
I pray for my dear friend tonight that she may be guided and taught by the spirit that wherever she is. I pray that she knows her memory lives on always within my heart and that I will never let her memory fade. I will always be greatful for the love and compassion she had for my son. I am so greatful for all she did for him. As his teacher she touched his young spirit and taught him with love. I will always love her for the way she loved him. Anna you are missed and you are loved.
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